I’m starting to think that it wasn’t ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’. That F and C were actually intended to give us ‘Monty Python’s Football Club’ and they were merely the silly pilot for the even more daft Lesta City FC. After a particularly surreal footballing week for TLF I have turned to their classic film, Life of Brian to try and keep looking on the bright side of life (BOOMBOOM!)
The interior of a Spanish hotel suite, possibly in Andalusia. A darkened room with a very conspiratorial atmosphere. Two men who some might think could be related be father and son are seated at a table at one end of the room. They are using their code names, Reg and Stan. Around them are five MASDRFs (masked activist senior dressing room figures), dressed in blue.
Stan: So we land at East Midlands airport, lure him away from the queue for quarantine with an offer of celebratory away goal pizza and then having grabbed Filbert Fox we inform Claudio that Filbert is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
MASDRF1: What exactly are the demands?
Reg: We’re giving Claudio two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist Miracle Workers state, reinstate chicken burgers, drop Ahmed Musa from the starting XI and if he doesn’t agree immediately we execute Filbert.
MASDRF2: Cut his furry head off?
Stan: Cut all his furry bits off, send ‘em back every hour on the hour…show him we’re not to be trifled with.
Reg: Also we are demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of Nigel Pearson with his c*ck hanging out.
MASDRF2: What? He’ll never agree to that.
Reg: That’s just a bargaining chip. And of course we point out that he and his followers bear full responsibility when Filbert gets chopped up, and…… we shall not submit to blackmail.
Omnes (Applause): No blackmail!
Reg: He’s raised our expectations, the b@stard, made us take him to our hearts. Not just us but our fathers and our fathers’ fathers.
Stan: And our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.
Stan: And our fathers’, fathers’, fathers’ fathers.
Reg: All right Stan. Don’t labour the point. And what has the Roman ever given us in return?
MASDRF3: A modern football fairytale
Reg: Oh yeah, yeah, he gave us that. Yeah. That’s true.
MASDRF4: Champions league qualification.
Stan: Oh yes, Reg, you remember what the City used to be like; rubbish most of the time!
Reg: Alright, I’ll grant you that giving us a modern football fairytale and champions league qualification are the two things that the Roman has done…..
MASDRF4: And winning the Premier League title…
Reg: (sharply) Well yes obviously winning the premier league title…winning the premier league title goes without saying. But apart from a modern football fairytale, champions league qualification and winning the premier league title…
MASDRF5: Worldwide recognition
Other masked voices: Improved contracts……murals in the city…..BBC Sports personality Team of the year…..an over-subscribed celebratory exhibition at the City’s museum
MASDRF near the front: And dilly ding dilly dong
Omnes: Oh yes! True!
Stan: Yeah. That’s something we’d really miss if the Roman left.
MASDRF1: Andrea Bocelli singing at our final game of the season!
Reg: All right…all right…but apart from a modern football fairy tale, champions league qualification, winning the premier league title, worldwide recognition, improved contracts, murals in the city, BBC Sports personality Team of the year award, an over-subscribed celebratory exhibition at the City’s museum, dilly ding dilly dong and Andreas Bocelli singing at our final game of the season what has the Roman done for us?
MASDRF2: Bought happiness.
Reg: (very angry, he’s not having a good meeting at all) What!? Oh….
(scornfully) Happiness, yes….shut up!