Piece of cake


2 tbsp not interested in football at all guests
200g away games (finely sieved)
3 tsp ill-fated and ill-informed Grand National investments
1.5tsp bicarbonate of pessimism
Twitter to taste
Guinness cake recipe and necessary items for cooking thereof
San Miguel (optional)


Prepare your Grand National investments with your usual naive belief that some old nag with a name that has some vague resonance to an element of your life will tear up the form book.
Place bets in Jennings the Bookmakers mixing bowl.
By the time you have done this and returned home at least one of your football teams will have conceded an away goal. Simmer.
Weigh out all items required for Guinness cake.
Consult the twitter.
Carefully separate out the celebratory tweets from the miserable tweets before working out that Lesta have equalised and then conceded again, BUT the mighty Saints have definitely taken the lead. Despair as brain is beaten into a smooth paste.
Open and blend in a calming bottle of San Miguel.
Throw the non-metaphorical and genuine ingredients in a cake tin and whack in the oven.
Warm over a low heat your Grand National tips until they have melted into a non-financially useful liquid.

Open and blend in a calming bottle of San Miguel.

Return to kitchen and coarsely chop the latest news from Radio 5 Live.
Perform small dance of delight as discover Lesta have, with 10 minutes to go, equalised.
Rub in a late home goal against the mighty Saints until the chef’s brain resembles fine bread crumbs of worry.

Open and blend in a calming bottle of San Miguel.

Perform muted and silent (in respect of non football interested ingredients) double fist pump in kitchen upon the news that Lesta have scored a very late and potentially winning goal.
Pace kitchen at Gas Mark 5 for extra time
Skip round house telling anyone who is or indeed isn’t interested that you lost on the Grand National but you don’t care as both your teams won.
Open and blend in a celebratory bottle of San Miguel.

Rescue forgotten cake from oven.

Guinness cake survives at the  paws of TLF

Guinness cake survives at the paws of TLF

Serving suggestion

Ice with a thick layer of relegation reality.
But still enjoy with a pint of your preferred beverage (if your preferred beverage is creme de menthe then perhaps just a modest half), Match of the Day (complete with a garnish of a happy and abusing his power as the presenter Sir Gary of Lineker) and Mia’s fine reportage from the mighty Saints game.

Heston BlumenFox

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3 Responses to Piece of cake

  1. Steve Morgan says:

    I’ll have some of what she’s having (except the Sir Gary of Lineker bit)!

  2. kitty says:

    I can confirm that your guiness cake is delicious but have no idea what words like ‘relegation’ ‘equalised’ or ‘home goal’ mean, i thought this was about bakery…how misleading. However i am in the process of becoming a student of football and hope threrefore that in time all this will become clear.

    • Sophie says:

      Baking and football are more similar than you would think – a lot of love, care and time commitment can still lead to unmitigated disaster and disappointment. The correspondence course in TLF’s Gove-free footballing national curriculum will follow shortly.

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