It was one of those rare Satdays.

Lesta and the Mighty Saints both at home, thereby throwing TLF into a quandary. Mr TLF was at home too but I’m not sure that’s the most relevant factor in the decision making process. The case for the Saints was strong; a game against league leaders Dertford, a short walk to the ground, catch up with my mates and back in the warmth of TLF Towers by 5pm.

Meanwhile a Mahrez free Lesta would be facing a resurgent Swansea (why do teams that have been rubbish always resurge just before they play us?), with a journey costing £47.80 of my hard earned and home by 7.15pm. BUT a glance at the diary reveals there won’t be many more Lesta games that TLF can make this season and so they got the nod.

A frustrating 1-1 draw ensued. To add insult to injury TLF’s usual return journey companions, who can generally chase away any post match blues; Mr Stella and MC (mini cheddars) were, a bit like Riyad Mahrez, AWOL. Mr Heineken and PC (pop corn) did their best but they just aren’t Premier League standard.

The Mighty Saints meanwhile had spanked the league leaders 4-0. TLF had missed ‘a cracker’ as our erstwhile programme editor and shopkeeper felt obliged to inform me.

That bit in Merchant of Venice when you have to choose between three caskets? Don’t be asking TLF for any advice….

Hobson Fox

The 1-1 draw of post match sustenance

An FA Cup tie against lower league opposition and on the telly to (football) boot. So where does one find any self-respecting TLF? Obviously not on the sofa, watching from behind a cushion, but in town, shopping with all media devices silenced. I remain scarred by being present for a home tie against Wycombe Wanderers and their last minute winner by a last minute signing spotted on Ceefax (younger readers may need to google that) and so no longer tempt fate.

Fortunately the footballing Gods of fate were smiling on TLF on this particular Satday and by the time TLF and Hatboy were propping up the bar at Clarence Park, the Foxes were looking good for a 3-1 lead. This distraction can be the only reason that TLF accidentally ordered a pint of pre-match Stella as opposed to moist January’s boit de match day; a cuppa tea. Obviously I would have sent the pint back but being a well brought up TLF I didn’t want to put the bar staff to any trouble.

We settled down for the final 15 minutes of the game, catching a disallowed screamer by Peterborough’s substitute, ex St Albans favourite, Junior Morias (now that would have been a perfect TLF story) and exploiting the time delay between Hat Boy’s phone and the TV to make loud and confident predictions that the fifth and final Lesta goal would be scored by Wilfrid Ndidi.

Five goals for Lesta. How on earth could the Saints beat that?

First though a small geography lesson was required. To TLF ‘East Thurrock’ sounds a bit, well, northern. Somewhere small on the coast on the way to Scotland, not an ‘area of regeneration within the Thames Gateway Development.’ Nobody actually said that obviously. That came from the interweb later. People sort of gesticulated a bit, talked about the M25 and crossing a big bridge and TLF tried not to look too clueless, nodded and pretended she has really got to grips with living in the south.

Apart from some early innuendo that Hat Boys passion fruit tic tacs richly deserved, things weren’t promising early doors. Some less than reassuring defending left Saints 2-1 down against a not overly impressive East Thurrock (of the south ) United. Fortunately United’s tackling wasn’t impressing the ref and their goal was followed by a sending off, which opened the floodgates. By the time the final whistle blew we had seen Saints score 7 (seven) and still Ray found time to berate the linesman.

Two teams.
One day.
Twelve goals.
Bang!

Dazed and delighted Fox

The first Lesta weekend of 2018 is a solid football day – Chelsea v Brighton on Radio 5 to accompany the outward journey and Man City v Newcastle on the return leg. In between there is the live ‘action’.

TLF was once again teetotal; leaving the pub and casting envious glances at pints of lager, to get a cup of tea in the ground. Yes TLF was thirsty but the priority was seeing if a hot beverage might defrost some of the bits that had frozen over during the walk to the ground. Turned out that it was the only thing that might as the play wasn’t warming any cockles. In fact the play reminded TLF of something.
Oh yes; the weather.
Dismal.

Lesta were occasionally bright, Watford spluttered into life once in a blue moon and the ref had a shocker. Still Lesta’s first goal knocked my Fitbit into action as it recorded 35 minutes of cycling. WTF?!

The second half we were entertained by a discussion of alternatives to the VAR system. The vote went to Simon’s suggestion of issuing the crowd with red and green pepper cards a la Ready Steady Cook. Well if Trump can get then a bad idea like that has potential.

A little bit of Mahrez magic to make it 2-0 still left TLF unable to feel her fingers but she was smiling. Even more so once aboard the quite warm 17.32 out of Lesta, accompanied by a can of celebratory Stella (don’t want to take the teetotal thing too far) and some very gloomy Watford fans displaying quality gallows humour.

On her return, TLF does of course recount in spectacular detail her footballing day, and Mr TLF confirms that it is good that TLF had an enjoyable day festooned as it was with football via the wireless and live.

“I don’t do this for the enjoyment you know. It’s duty!”

No, he didn’t believe me either.

Frosty the Fox

Stella’s unexpected rival for TLF’s affections

The FA trophy provided an opportunity for entrenching the North-South divide as the Mighty Saints hosted Harrogate FC. Some wax lyrical about whippets and flat caps in very bad Yorkshire accents while TLF has the sense to keep quiet her desperate hope that the Harrogate players will heard across the pitch performing their best Alan Bennett impressions, referencing Dame Thord and perhaps coconut macaroons for good measure. This is of course a ridiculous notion, Bennett being from Leeds not Harrogate. Even so you would have thought they might have had Betty’s Tea Rooms logos on their shirts.

There was fortunately much to distract TLF from these little disappointments. It was all change in the shop with our erstwhile shopkeeper and programme editor on day release, free to roam the terraces to his hearts content. Barry had come off the bench to produce a fine substitute shop keeper performance, putting himself in the frontline of a scarf shortage, selling his own Saints neck apparel to a Harrogate fan desperate for a souvenir of his trip Sarf.

The scarf shortage made for a quite a few chilly necks that afternoon. TLF was in the market for a replacement scarf (the previous one being AWOL; another unfortunate casualty of pre Xmas TLF bonhomie) as was Ray, although his claims that a cold neck would lead to pleurisy, were TLF assumed the beer talking rather than some previously hidden medical expertise. For once TLF wasn’t speaking Stella; making a nod to moist January with a teetotal and indeed teatotal afternoon. Apparently I was also looking a bit weak at the back. Although after some consternation Hatboy assured me that this was a comment on Lesta’s defence rather than the TLF posterior.

Harrogate sit second in the Oop North equivalent league to the Mighty Saints but unlike the residents of Clarence Park they are full time professional players. Not that it showed on Satday. Saints were up for it, Harrogate seemed a bit mardy and injury prone and it wasn’t a total surprise when Saints went one-nil up.

Have you noticed how time slows down once you’ve got an unexpected one goal lead and you can’t double it no matter how hard the team tries. Nails are bitten but we were starting to get a bit excited about the next round. A MISTAKE. OF COURSE.

In the third and final minute of injury time the bloody Northerners bloody equalise. We are beyond gutted and at the final whistle the players look utterly deflated. Opportunities for ‘upsets’ are rare and must generally be grabbed with both hands. Well, feet as I guess technically it would be handball….And it proves to be the case as Saints and a hardy fifteen fans travel to a wintery Harrogate on the following Tuesday night and lose five nil.

According to the interweb Harrogate is the happiest town in Britain. I bet.

Ee by gum Fox

The Christmas journey to Dorset was remarkably smooth and fast. Mr TLF likes to monitor all predictions of ‘getaway traffic’ and to his credit had chosen the day and time slot wisely. He had another thought (clearly he was on a roll);

“Perhaps we’ll come back on Boxing Day. Chances are the traffic will be much worse on the 27th.”

Now TLF who had as usual been paying 50% attention to this latest ramble re traffic, was suddenly all ears.

“OhOkayWellYouKnowBestAndI’mSureYouAreRight. ProbablyGoodToGetAwayEarlyThough.

[Sotto voce] Maybe back for one o’clock even.”

There is a pause. I really think I might have got away with no requirement to explain my TLF logic. Mr TLF has of course known me for a long time.

“Why?” (I think he knew really).

“Well it’s just that the Mighty Saints are playing Hemel that day and kick off is 1pm and I was going to go and watch Bridport to watch my football fix but if we are going home…….”

“If that’s what you want to do then that’s what we will do.”

It’s like Mr TLF Fairy God Mother. Admittedly without the wings, the glitter, a wand and TLF sporting a pair of glass slippers but nonetheless it seemed that TLF would go to the (foot)ball!

That did of course rely on our fellow road users. And they did mess with our heads. A couple of minor accidents as the M-something met the M-something else and it was all looking a bit hairy. TLF distracted herself with regular updates to the Saintettes.

But some how he did it. TLF was dropped off four minutes before kick off. There was a big queue at the turnstiles but TLF hasn’t travelled hundreds of miles to miss kick off and everyone was ignoring the second queue so technically it wasn’t pushing in……..

Segregated games are rare and so a bit strange. Usually we stand behind the goal we are attacking but that option is taken away on these occasions; we are allocated the York Road end. And if like TLF you are surprised to be there and slightly discombobulated after the drive there might be a brief moment when you think that the Mighty Saints had signed a new keeper and changed their kit. If your luck is holding out then your tinsel-addled brain will have caught up before you embarrass yourself (phew).

There is of course only so much Xmas spirit any TLF is entitled to and finally seeing Saints beat THS (the Hemel Scum) remains a Christmas present too far. Still, a 2-2 draw, with us coming from behind twice is always pretty satisfying and when you didn’t expect to be there in the first place grumbling is not an option. Cheers Mr TLF!

Match stats
St Albans City 2 THS 2
Attendance: 1510
Number of nervous checks of google maps journey time: countless
Festive snack age: 2 mini sausage rolls and 2 pints
Grateful grovelling to Mr TLF: unlimited

..I think we might just make it!