Better get this writ quick, as they say in Lesta.

Well actually it’s just the ‘writ’ bit they say but you get the gist.

You being very clever of course, have probably also sussed that this little linguistic ramble is a diversionary target designed to distract you from the fact that this year’s end of season review is appearing perilously close to the Mighty Saints first pre-season friendly. I am the first to admit that this is a bit lax, but late blogs have been an occasional symptom of the 16/17 season so I’ll stick on this roll if I may; nothing personal you understand it’s just a phase of teenage TLF-dom, “I don’t have to write a blog if I don’t want to and you can’t make me, so there.”

And now we’ve got that out of the way, let’s crack on with the matter in hand…..

Back in August 2016 TLF predicted that the coming season could be the best of times or the worst of times. Eleven months later you could argue what an insightful seer TLF proved to be, but that’s hardly a difficult prediction for my tale of two cities. And let’s face it at the time I was just after a cheap Dickens pun.

Never before has TLF ticked off so many new and locations to watch football. Brugge, Seville, Madrid, Hemel Hempstead! A truly ground-breaking kind of a season.

Lesta seemed fully determined to make it ground-breaking for all the wrong reasons. TLF didn’t expect the ridiculous highs of 2015/16 but there was really no need for quite the domestic implosion that saw them go from everyone’s favourite team to everyone’s favourite joke before becoming everyone’s favourite villains who sacked the Italian messiah. Of course he wasn’t the messiah, he was just a fallible football manger, whose departure reduced to TLF to tears, but who probably had to go.

The Mighty Saints kept the spirits alive, at least in the first half of the season, starting 2017 second in the league. This was of course followed by a rapid descent down the league, leading to a severe dose of incredulispair at our inability to win a game. Still at least we will always have Carlisle. No not a modern and gritty remake of Casablanca but our FA Cup first round PROPER, home game against league opponents. Yes the FA Cup journey ended that day but not before, Clarence Park was rammed, TLF sold football programmes and Junior Morias’s corking opener for the Mighty Saints had been shown on the Beeb and was voted goal of the round.

Off the pitch TLF convinced Julie, a recent convert to running, to sign up for the St Albans half-marathon to raise funds for Stand By Your Saints. TLF then promptly injured herself – first a hamstring, then a back muscle and finally a disc; meaning that Julie became the sole representative charged with not letting our sponsors down. And she didn’t. So proud of my mate and still determined that I will complete 13 miles sometime this year.

And as ever, the off the pitch memories are as important as the stuff that happens on the hallowed turf. TLF travelled to new places, hung out with some very funny and brilliant people and was given a kiwi fruit coming back from a game in Hampton; Julie got the pineapple I was so jealous.

Next season there may be more fruit, there will certainly be more daft moments, there will also be Mr TLF’s PSB to update you on – I’ll leave that acronym for you to work out during the pre-season friendly schedule and return once the proper fixtures get underway.

A bientot
TLF

It’s a wise football club that, after the odd kind of season Lesta City has just had, freezes its season ticket prices for long term season ticket holders and also says thank you via a postcard once you have done the deed:

It is probably less wise to imply that the person who has been renewing an ADULT season ticket for the last couple of decades is not in charge of their own destiny,

From the parent or guardian of TLF

With the football season over, bar the Champions League final shouting, it’s a time for reflection and relocation of TLF time, largely in the direction of Mr TLF who has endured higher than average levels of abandonment during 2016/17 due to TLF contracting a European strain of ‘onceinalifetimeitis.

And you can see how much this means to Mr TLF, as after a particularly liquid late lunch/early supper we stopped off in Marks and Spencer’s for further liquid supplies and he employed a romantic gesture.

Remarkably the 35ps worth of tulips didn’t droop for almost a week and even when they did, there was a solution in store as it turns out a 2p piece dropped into the flower water, is the equivalent of viagra for your average herbaceous spring perennial tulipa (as they say in the Latin).

As the young folk say, ‘who knew?’

That small floristry tip is of course a distraction from the fact that IOU an end of season reflective, ramble on the fortunes of Foxes and Saints.

TLF is on the case.

It’s true, TLF has been ‘off grid’ , out of the loop’, ‘conspicuous by her absence’ and other such niceties. I could claim that the dog ate my blog(S) or I could just blame the three Bs:
Birthday
Busy
Bad back

Ok so technically that is four Bs but let’s not go splitting fur.

Anyway enough of the excuses what have we missed?

The 2016/17 season for the Mighty Saints ended with what TLF is led to believe was an undeserved away defeat. TLF was sadly not present due to a bout of busyness (see above) which included a gig at a Lincolnshire village hall. For those who would look down their snouts at such an activity I suggest you study the following bar bill equation and think on
Large vodka tonic + large white wine + large scotch + bottle Stella = £10.50

TLF did make it for the final home game of the season, as ever a memorable affair, in part due to yet another late Saints equaliser but more for the qualities displayed off rather than on the pitch. To start with the raffle ticket sellers were of a particularly high quality. Although TLF was disappointed to note that even when you buy raffle tickets from a fellow Saintette and running partner it still doesn’t guarantee a win….

There was a bucketful of innuendo as news of a goal by Carroll and the impact on someone’s fantasy league team, quickly morphed into Ray’s views on the assets of a ‘fantasy carol’, possibly not our finest diversity and inclusion moment. Whether or not it was that affecting our attention spans we will never know, but rather like the goal we never spotted earlier in the season, this time we were at it with penalties. Admittedly it was down the other end to us, but as no one was jumping up and down screaming at the outrage that is the act of awarding a penalty to the opposition, TLF assumed it was time to revisit the spectacles prescription as clearly the ref bringing play to a halt and pointing at the penalty spot was just poor eyesight on TLF’s part.

We were of course all eyes as the East Thurrock player took the penalty and scored it. Hard to claim the ref had made a massive blunder if none of us had even spotted it. And that was it non-league season over. Although pleased to see our pre-season friendlier start on 8 July, probably not one to tell Mr TLF about direct; I’ll let him stumble across it when he reads this.

TLF birthday weekend saw both West Ham and Lesta do the decent thing and win; peace reigned as Mr TLF showed premier league quality in present selection and Julie dropped off one of the finest chocolate cakes ever. And if you can’t have cake for breakfast when you are a year nearer to fifty then when can you?

While a bad back doesn’t stop the football watching or the birthday celebrating it doesn’t have a particularly positive impact on the half marathon training nor, after the fifth day of it taking ten minutes to get your socks on, does it do much for a sunny disposition or morale. Recovery is slow and often it is a case of two steps forward one step back (BOOM!BOOM!). It perhaps wouldn’t be quite so bad if the injury was of a sporting nature but it wasn’t. It came from the extreme sport known as ‘gardening’…..any fule kno that this fox does not have green fingers or rather paws and TLF should probably have known better.

So TLF is back (in more ways than one), older and no wiser, but ready to jump back on the rambling train.

Slacker Fox

All good things come to an end and so it was for TLF as Athletico Madrid finally invoked my Article 50; out of Europe but most definitely not down. Apart from the fine manner of Lesta City’s European departure, (probably more dignified than this country’s will be) there were blessings to be counted:

Blessing 1
The threat level to TLF’s liver, bank account and relationship can now be downgraded from ‘severe’ to ‘low’. The ‘once in a lifetime’ excuse was wearing pretty thin with Mr TLF but am pretty sure it stood absolutely no chance at all with Mr First Direct.

Blessing 2
The lucky Champions League away shirt can finally, probably under its own steam the state it is in, go into the wash. First worn in Brugges back in September 2016, it has been through 4 group games (home and away) and then both legs of the last sixteen and quarter finals. For Copenhagen it was worn for 24 hours and I don’t think it has ever recovered from the match day session in Seville; neither has TLF.

As a result of all this, there may be residents of Seville or Madrid who believe that Lesta’s away kit is ‘pale grey with random smudge’. An error of TLF judgment in the shirt selection department perhaps but a topic of conversation in Bruges, which brings us to..

Blessing 3
The company TLF kept, which was generally loud, kind, funny, generous, with the capacity for some very dodgy jokes and some serious alcohol consumption. In fact like being at Clarence Park but abroad and in a bigger stadium. There was even a bit of symmetry (how fancy am I!) when as I enjoyed a small post-match beverage after our final game, I bumped into the guys I had hung out with when all this started back in Brugges.


Blessing 4
For the group stage draw, TLF requirements were limited, “Bruges please and nowhere scary,” I muttered as I watched the group stage draw via very poor wifi in an Edinburgh hotel. BOOM! All boxes successfully ticked.

By the time we were through to the knockout stage…..let me say that again, ‘the knockout stage’, I was so delirious I didn’t care about destination and yet TLF was spoiled again. In total four fantastic, friendly cities, at least two of which will be graced with the TLF presence again sometime in the future.

Blessing 5
That my ridiculous, unpredictable, football club made it to the Champions League quarter finals and I was lucky enough that it happened at a time when I had the wherewithal, the flexibility (thanks work!), the friends (thanks DG for tickets and SC for the roof over my head post home games) and a tolerant Mr TLF to mean that I could be there for eight out of ten games (like the cat food but more important….)

Jetset TLF

For TLF the trials and tribulations of Champions League football continue (don’t worry not daft enough to think that this is something I need to get used to). Another month and another European city looms on the horizon, there are guidebooks to buy, tapas bars to research, non-attending Mr TLFs to placate and to add a bit of extra pressure pre this QUARTER FINAL trip, TLF has put, “make vague attempt to learn the basics of the language’ on the to-do list. This after our trip to Seville clearly highlighted the large gap in TLF’s knowledge that is ‘conversational Spanish’; apparently adding “–io” to the end of every word just doesn’t cut it.

Of course this being the 21st century there is no need to pick up your Berlitz phrase book or 20 learn-the-language CDs, now it is all about the App. Not that I don’t have fond memories of the old phrase books. At the age of about seven, TLF was given an Italian phrase book ahead of a trip to, well perhaps unsurprisingly, Italy. For some bizarre reason the ancient phrase, “He’s a trump” was offered up in the book and any fule from the Void kno that a trump is a fart. Cue seven year old giggles for pretty much most of the drive through France.

Anyway back to the app. TLF has now been engaging with Duolingo for the past week. It is free, gets good reviews and is user-friendly for your average luddite TLF. After only eight days TLF is apparently 4% fluent in Spanish. The app did offer to update my LinkedIn profile with this news but am not sure that this is a talent that will necessarily have a string of prospective employers headhunting TLF any time soon.

Still I am as a result of all this, feeling more prepared for next week’s trip. In the event of having to engage with the local constabulary I will be able to relate to others whether I interacted with a police hombre or a police mujeur. And should TLF and companions find that the locals are thanking us for our tuneful rendition of ‘when you’re smiling’ at 2am in the morning, we will be able to respond appropriately with a jaunty, ‘de nada’.

The initial lessons didn’t however fill me with confidence that this Madrid trip would prove to be a gastronomique success. Three days of leche, agua and manzanas (that’s milk, water and apples for those of you not as educated as wot TLF is) doesn’t really appeal. However lesson four moved into more encouraging territory and I think it is safe to say that TLF will “bebe vino y cerveza” all the way.

And thank goodness for the next lesson on ‘animals’. Everyone can now be rest assured that in the event of Madrid being overrun by marauding bears and lions, TLF will be at the front of the retreating crowd, yelling, “Osos y leones!!” just like a local. And should any dodgy looking ticketless penguins try and smuggle themselves into the away end at the game I will be the first to blow their cover, shouting “el penguino” at the top of my voice.

Never has a TLF been so well prepared to depart these shores.
El zorro perdido