Not very current affairs

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Sophie

Dear Mr Osborne,

Yes I accept that this letter is a tad late, bearing in mind that you delivered your ‘sunshine’ budget all of 9 days ago. But I’m a busy Fox and obviously wanted to give your proposals the analysis that they deserved.

And all I can say George is, “I’m disappointed. D-Minus. See me. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200.”

Sunshine?? Should HMT be expecting a visit from Trading Standards? Or is it the case that one of your minions dropped a crucial page of the budget en route to Westminster?

1p off a pint!? ONE. WTF Georgie Boy? What reward is that for hard-working Clubhouse drinkers? You have saved us (depending on capacity and whether there is a need for sobriety post match) between 2 and 15p per game.

Now perhaps if this miserly gift had been combined with tax relief on bacon-based snackage then the squeezed middle fox might have been more forgiving. But no. Not a sniff.

It also wasn’t clear to me that your Help to buy ISA covered the purchase of new football grounds? Or whether the abolition of tax on savings would be extended to include goalden goal investments?

You’ve taken your eye off the ball, Chancellor and this Fox is not buying your pre-election budget bribery. Unless you can guarantee a relegation-free season for hard-working TLFs; in which case I’m all ears.

Fox in the Red Box

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Sartorial

Posted on March 21, 2015 by Sophie

Technically it was a Fox weekend. Not a Saints weekend.

But it had not been the best of working weeks (I think the best working week is actually when you are on annual leave for a week, but there you go). And for some bizarre reason, call me unadventurous, but I didn’t see that the antidote to all this was a train journey which costs the equivalent of the GDP of a small nation, followed by witnessing blue tinged (with a soupçon of relegation), misery. Not when for the sake of a quick walk I could enjoy some locally sourced (although not organic) potential misery at Clarence Park. While the Saints league position is not as perilous as that of the not-very-mighty-right-now Lesta, they were winless in seven games so expectations were low.

I did also have a new accessory awaiting its debut. I had bought Mr TLF a particularly fine, cashmere claret and blue scarf for Xmas from the very lovely Bark Scarves (more of them anon). The colours were vertical rather than your traditional horizontal (I know how rock n roll am I with my disregard for footballing traditions?) and it was pretty smart. The ugly truth was that by early January I had developed scarf envy. Fortunately the people at Bark Scarves were happy to humour me again and BOSH, there I was, proud owner of blue and yellow army vertically striped neck attire.

Scarf loveliness

Scarf loveliness


But would it prove lucky? Off the pitch me and MR scarf experienced a mixed afternoon. Good pre match banter which followed up some drunken twitter conversations from the night before, some recipe sharing (told you I was rock n roll) and one of the best condemnations of officialdom I have heard in a long while, courtesy of Gaz, “You’re a disgrace to the corporation of referees.” On the downside I did lose the feeling in four fingers en route to the ground and it was an hour before they were defrosted. You may mock but let me tell you having no feeling in the first two fingers of both hands makes the successful application of brown sauce to a bacon cob without damaging garments, especially new scarves a high risk enterprise (like the SS Enterprise but not in space). I also went on a mildly alcohol induced apostrophe rant which was not aimed at our esteemed programme editor but he was the collateral damage and it did give him the hump and that is never a satisfactory state of affairs. It was the scarf what made me do it honest.

On the pitch? A very welcome home win, which included a cracker from Sam Corcoran. The type of goal that you see flying towards the back of the net and you JUST KNOW. The team did do a bit of that thing in the second half where they start to look a little jittery but obviously that’s just to keep us on our toes and give Davy Mac the opportunity for a bit of despair, which Davy does with a certain élan. While this was going on, up in the Void, the Foxes were limping to 0-0 draw. Some of my footballing misery continues but at least my game selection paid off. Lucky scarf!

Vertical Fox

Match Stats St Albans 2 Weston 0
Attendance 363
Yellow failing raffle tickets 10
Goalden goal ticket one minute off – 1 but to win two games on the trot would be greedy
Lager consumed 1 bottle of ‘the German beer’, 2 halves of Stella (yes I was indeed going out for dinner afterwards).
The mighty, returning to winning ways after weeks of misery Bacon Fries 1 packet. Fingers almost lost due to frostbite 4.
Programme editors irritated 1

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Crucial

Posted on March 14, 2015 by Sophie

Think about the last heated debate you had with a loved one.

It could have been about serious issues of the day like levels of football match attendance, whether it is right and proper to kick 10 barrels of wotsit out of the ironing board when your team concede a goal on the SKY game or whether it is really vital that when you return an item to the fridge you put it back exactly where you found it (Mr TLF if you are reading this, of course it DOES).

Whatever the topic, chances are that the end result of the debate wasn’t that pretty, didn’t sort anything out and came served with side orders of sulking, shouting and perhaps a dusting of door slamming. The same thing can of course happen at the day job (although I would hope the topics of debate are not the same). My employer recently sent a bunch of us on a course, Crucial Conversations, which looked at how to get a bit better at dealing with the difficult conversations. I should add I don’t think they were concerned about domestic bliss Chez TLF but more focussed on improving the leadership skills of its middle managers – the squeezed middle as we like to call ourselves these days.

The course was for once, a good un. Interesting stuff, great trainer. We were taught a series of steps to manage more successfully these difficult conversations rather than avoiding them completely or kicking off like Atilla the Hun. The first thing I found out was that the course wasn’t about winning the difficult conversations. But nor was it about losing them (now I was confused). It was about dealing with a tricky issue with both parties still respecting each other at the end of it and no blood having been spilt. You may scoff, but borrow the book off me – it speaks some sense (sometimes in a slightly overly American way I admit).

Having of course a slightly random and off centre TLF kind of head I did start to wonder whether you could apply this to football. Think about it. A crucial conversation is defined as one where there are opposing opinions, strong emotions and high stakes at play. Imagine the ref has just dropped a big gold plated boll#ck of a bad decision that is very likely to alter the outcome of the game. All three boxes are definitely ticked.

So let’s apply the steps from the course:
1 Assess the situation – is this a one off or a pattern of behaviour?
Has the ref got it wrong just this once or have they been a complete tool all game?
2 Start with the heart – consider how you are behaving, the result you really want and whether your behaviour is really going to lead to the result that you really want.
Hmm. I would like the referee to change his mind and for the game to get back on track. Perhaps the last 10 minutes where I was comparing him to an overweight and under educated throwback of questionable parentage has damaged our relationship and I should moderate my approach.
3 Master your stories – it can be easy to decide in your head why someone has done something so that you can justify your own behaviour. Ask whether you are considering the full picture and your role in this problem.
Perhaps the ref is not a complete tool. Perhaps he was unsighted and did not do this out of sheer stupidity and malice and would be grateful for some measured feedback.
4 Express your views in a way that makes it safe for others to hear them – share your facts and talk tentatively. Test their views. That will mean you are candid and also respectful.
Hi ref. Do you have a minute? I couldn’t help noticing that when the opposition player performed an Olympic style dive you awarded a free kick and sent one of our boys off. From over here that looks a little at odds with the laws of the game and it is starting to feel like you don’t trust my team. I’d really like to understand how you see it.

Obviously by the time you have got to this stage, the game will have moved on, your fellow supporters will be looking at you like you have had one too many Stellas (if such a thing is possible) and it will probably have dawned on you that TLF is clutching at an ever thinning straw on this particular occasion. The theory (and we won’t even mention the remaining 5 stages) does not apply to football and it’s best all round if you just let the ref know that you look forward to seeing him or her next Tuesday.

Management guru Fox

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Just the ticket

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Sophie

Satday at t’Park.

I’m slightly frayed around the edges due to one too many cheeky red wines in the company of my parents and the mighty Fairport Convention. I’ve endured a 6 mile run, an ill advised virgin train ‘snack pack’ (possibly not as ill advised as the cheeky red wine but definitely with less nutritional value) on the journey back from the Western bit of the Void and I’m feeling a bit peaky.

The only thing for it is self-medication and so Dr TLF prescribes one bacon cob (take with liquid), one packet bacon fries (take with further liquid that should cost about £3.50 per pint) and a large dose of clubhouse chat. Slowly the patient is on her way to recovery until she suffers a serious setback. Before we have even taken our spot behind the goal, St Albans have conceded. Not what the doctor ordered.

As we take our place and I perform the rarely seen martial arts move, “crouching TLF, hidden golden goal ticket to check while carrying unsteady pint” , I joke that for once I don’t mind going one down this early as I know I am sure that this time I have got the golden goal ticket in my pocket. And bugger me. I have.

BOSH!

BOSH!

In theory the only way is up. Sadly not on the pitch. We go on to lose 3-1. It is not pretty. The officials are worse than abysmal and it’s all a bit lacklustre. We can’t even get our chanting right as half of us take up the refrain, “you only sing when you’re winning”, as Wealdstone score their third (check the scoreline readers and do the math).

On the up side, we do get to chant the factually accurate, “You’re not fit to referee” when he goes off injured and there are cheery Norwegians. And even Philosophical Norwegians who, wrapped in their national flag at the end of a disappointing game console me with a very cheerful, “Shit happens.” He is right.
I go home in a zen like state of mind.

….Nothing to do with the forty quid in my pocket and the three pints of Stella.
I am a WINNER.
Amarillo Slim Fox

Match stats
St Albans 1 Wealdstone 3
Attendance: 877
Lager consumed: 3 medicinal pints
Snackage: 1 restorative, life preserving bacon cob and one packet bacon fries
Losing raffle tickets – 10, but hey who cares?
Goalden goal tickets purchased: The wining one. Nuff said

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. . . _ _ _ . . .

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Sophie

The love you gave me Nothing else can save me SOS

Perhaps not ABBA’s finest hour and certainly not a TLF favourite but in times of distress the classic ‘Knowing me knowing you’ doesn’t quite cut it.

I know that we generally tend to avoid too much distress at Lost Fox Towers. We do not campaign, canvas or soapbox. Instead we ramble and provide a small online ounce (other units of measurement are available) of nonsense and shenanigans with the odd bit of gallivanting thrown in for good measure. But just this once; indulge me. See that picture of Clarence Park, home of the mighty Saints? I am talking metaphorically here, don’t be wasting my time and yours searching for a non existence photo in this week’s missive. Well there is a fat, dirty grey cloud loitering ominously in the corner and the Save our Saints campaign is the unfurling umbrella that we hope will protect us. (Hey don’t cringe, every blog needs the occasional tortuous metaphor).

You see football clubs don’t survive financially on match day income alone. They need to generate revenue the rest of the week/month/year. Which is why they have nice, glossy facilities that people will want to hire out for meetings, prawn sandwich eating, conferences, wedding receptions, kids parties and wotnot. Trouble is that isn’t an option at Clarence Park. We have character and a loveable slightly tatty round the edges feel but a LSTRTEF doesn’t help keep a club in the black. What that means is that our co-owners, who rescued the club in 2011 have spent quite a few quid (450k of quids to be precise) keeping the club going. And they have said, quite rightly, that’s not a situation that can go on forever. Which potentially puts the very existence of the club at risk.

We all know what needs to change. Move or improve (I quite like that). And it’s not for lack of trying. Trouble is there is some complicated restrictive covenant malarkey that limits how the current ground can be used commercially and then two attempts to move somewhere else where some new spangly ground could be used in that way have been scuppered. What would really help is a bit of backup/steer/support/woteva from our local Council to make, as we say in the Void, summat happen. And WHY is that worth campaigning and fussing over?

  • So that we can save a club that is in the hearts of many, especially those who have being going to Clarence park for fifty or sixty years; watched as kids, then bought their kids and then their kids’ kids (more commonly known as grandchildren I believe).
  • So that TLFs are kept out of mischief.
  • But most importantly because a local football club can engage and knit together a community. The club already does plenty with local schools but just think what could be contributed locally if a new ground could not just pull in the cash but also balance that with low cost facilities for all sorts of community groups to use.

Here endeth the lesson. If you could find your way to signing this petition that would be lovely. And I promise it will be rambling nonsense all the way next week.
https://www.change.org/p/st-albans-city-council-to-address-the-pressing-issues-at-st-albans-city-fc

When you’re gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you’re gone
Though I try
How can I carry on?

Soapbox Fox

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A fine romance

Posted on February 21, 2015 by Sophie

I thought I had got this Valentines Day gig sorted.

“Darling how would like to take a stroll with me in Clarence Park? Taking in some of the fine sights of this fair City and perhaps enjoying a beverage or two in a quiet little clubhouse I know.”

“No I don’t want to go to football.”

Oh well. So much for trying to combine some valentines day sentiment with my first home game in four weeks (priorities people, priorities). Instead it was a pre-match tour of the ground for TLF courtesy of HatBoy inviting me to gatecrash his son’s class outing. I didn’t look like part of the Year 5 cohort (still not really sure what year 5 is in old money) and Ryan (offspring of Hat Boy) was doing his best to not look like he was in anyway associated with his Dad’s slightly eccentric friend but I think I got away with it. And obviously I did the decent thing and let the kids go first when we checked out the dressing rooms and the physio room….and then showed a steady turn of speed when the tour guide advised us that next stop was the bar. Eccentric I maybe kids but don’t come between TLF and accessing the draught Stella.

Returning to the romantic theme that I started some ramble ago and then forgot about, there wasn’t a lot of lurvvve lost on the terraces. Ray was on form. The linesman really wasn’t. And that can only end badly for the latter. And it won’t just be mindless swearing. Oh no. That sort of average and usual abuse, being told that we will looking forward to making his acquaintance again Next Tuesday etc the unfortunate man with the flag could ignore. He is used to that. What you get with Ray is always very loud, but it is also well delivered and bordering on the disappointed parent, “Oi! Lineo! I’ve told you, you’re getting it wrong.” “Oh my God you’ve got it wrong again.” And then we can all join in, “See Lino Ray is right why don’t you listen to him!?”

It wasn’t just the officials breaking hearts (see what I did there?) Basingstoke’s keeper, on loan from Championship side Reading, was having a blinder and the reason that the mighty Saints were only one up at half time. Romance was still not at a premium during the interval either, unless a conversation about films, which ended in my preference for seeing the Paddington film, “I really fancy Paddington” being mercilessly misinterpreted counts. To be honest it’s the wellies – 50 shades of red….

The second half saw Basingstoke equalise early and that’s the way it ended up, despite both teams giving it a good go. No reflection on the football but the TLF attention span did start to dwindle and so TLF’s third law of economics came into play: Slight boredom + tipsy fox = boost to club shop profits. Justified on this occasion as a Valentines Day gift to myself. Turns out I spent too soon – as I returned home to topnotch dinner and pink champagne cocktails. Cooked by a man whose team had got tonked 4-0 in the FA Cup (no Cup romance there).
Ooops….Happy Valentines day Mr TLF.
Cupid Fox

Match Stats St Albans 1 Basingstoke 1
Attendance 608
Bacon fries consumed 1 packet.
Lager consumed 2 pints Stella, 1 bottle of the now officially christened “German beer”. Yellow losing raffle ticket investment 10 very yellow ones.
And two goalden goal losers just for consistency.

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Theatre of the Absurd

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Sophie

In my shock and disappointment at achieving a hat trick of football free zone (FFZs) weekends, I was reminded of the great Oscar Wilde line,

“To miss one football match may be regarded as a misfortune; to miss three looks like carelessness.”

Ok that’s not quite how Oscar wrote it but I am sure if Lady Bracknell had been interrogating TLF about diary management rather than Mr Worthing about his parentage that’s how it would have come out. This time it was another jaunt to Stratford for kulture with a not very taxing comedy called The Shoemaker’s Holiday. Mr TLF was not overly impressed and did a bit of a Sol Campbell by leaving the ground at half time. I however persevered being a sucker for a fart joke and a bit of slapstick.

The slapstick theme continued through to Sunday night as Lesta City descended, not for the first time, into farce.

I cannot quite decide if Nigel Pearson is a tragic flawed Shakespearean football manager or the lead in an Alan Ayckbourn farce? I look forward to seeing him as a vicar in a dress, in the wrong hotel room, muttering double entendres while setting about critical fans/opposition players with a luffa brush.

Or perhaps in panto?

“I am manager of Leicester City.”
“Oh no you’re not!”
“Oh yes after-a-couple-of-hours-and-intervention-by-the Chairman’s-Dad you are.”

Earnest Fox

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Government Health Warning

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Sophie

Accordingly to Mr ‘David TLF Attenborough’ the weekly existence of yours truly consists of the following:
GYM.
RUN.
SLEEP.
And he adds, “now and again I see you and I wave.”

While there might be a smidgen more to it than that (and who doesn’t love a smidgen), it isn’t a bad description and if he added in:
OCCASIONAL BOUTS OF ILL- ADVISED SKOOL NITE DRINKING
FREQUENTLY DELAYED TRAINS
AND GRUMPINESS
he’d have the perfect Wikipedia or Encyclopedia Britannica entry depending on your reference preference.

Oh but he hadn’t quite finished.

“And then at weekends you watch football. And now and again I see you and I wave.” Ouch.

To prove I am a more rounded and thoughtful TLF than this probably suggests I went with a big gesture. Friday afternoon off work, lunch in a posh London venue and NO football attendance for a second weekend running. I still can’t decide if his Satday morning, “You’re really not going to a football match. It’s not a trick?” line was endearing or annoying. Anyway as I was trying to be nice I let it go and focussed on the spending quality time together thing.

By Sunday of course I did get slightly itchy feet and so aided with the bribe of Sunday lunch I secured a 3 hour pass to go to the gym and do a tiny bit of work. Only to receive a plaintive phone call from a not very well Mr TLF who had retired to his bed with a severe malady.

You see this is why I selflessly spend so much time at the gym/work/pub/football. It’s for him. It’s to manage his TLF allergy. Clearly too much TLF can seriously damage your health.

Selfless TLF

Posted in Football deprived, Very random | Comments Off on Government Health Warning

FA Cup Cake

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Sophie

And there TLF goes.
Hoisted by her own baked petard.
The petard in this case being a blueberry loaf.

Although if you were to attach blame to my latest superstition I’d maybe point the paw of accusation in the direction of Thameslink & Great (a contradiction in terms) Northern. That’s where it all started. Because after two weeks of delays due to signal failure, lack of train crew, flooding at Farringdon (rolls off the tongue nicely but still bloody annoying) and someone jumping in front of my train, TLF’s travel bug had gone AWOL.The idea of having to negotiate the daily St Albans – London journey on a Satday was about as attractive as a lager and snack free pub with homes under the hammer on the big screen. TLF was feeling distinctly train averse. So no St Albans v Maidenhead and no sneaking into the Spurs end for Lesta’s 4th round FA Cup tie at White Hart Lane. Call me a fair weather fan but trust me there comes a point when you need a Tardis, and if you can’t lay your hands on one then you stay at home.

….A Tardis shop – yet another gaping hole in the retail offering of St Albans, along with having no Lidl….

Anyway where was I? Oh yep FA Cup Satday. Having imposed a travel ban on myself it was then essential, in the interests of increasing the chances of positive full time scores that I immediately deployed “Operation La La La It’s not happening.” My sure fire way to ensure some success on the sporting front when at home:
IGNORE IT.
Instigate a full media blackout.
Repeat the mantra, “Nothing to see (or indeed hear) here.
No peeking out from behind the sofa at Sky Sports a la small child watching the Daleks.

And to help with all that? Employ a distraction technique. Which last Satday took the form of baking. No smirking at the back there. TLF can bake. We might not be seeing any Michelin stats gracing the front door any time soon but I can wield a wooden spoon with the best of them. And as a cook who likes to follow the recipe to the letter I am a focussed one and the lack of Radio 5 Live in the background was on this occasion not even noticed.

Before I knew it the blueberry loaf was cooling and the final whistles had gone. St Albans managed an away draw with 10 men for most of the game and the mighty Foxes had scored two in the last 7 minutes to make it through to the fifth round of the FA Cup.

I bestow a beatific smile on my blueberry loaf and nod in appreciation, “Fine cake. Lucky cake. Lucky baking.” And then TLF’s little grey cells, in particular the ones that control the superstition genome, start to click through the gears….The conclusion is obvious and not very cheering. When I am Chez TLF and Lesta are away from home the blueberry loaf is the 12th man. My team’s fortunes are tied up with the baking. I am a slave to the blueberry loaf.
Baked Off Fox (BOF!)

Lesta's latest signing

Lesta’s latest signing

Posted in Football deprived, Very random | 1 Comment

Let’s hear it for the boy

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Sophie

“What time will we get to the stadium UGM?”
Finlay, aged 6. Saturday 1.45pm

Hmmm. Two urgent issues here:
1. My Godson needs to know that Clarence Park is perhaps a bit smaller than most grounds he sees on telly.
2.He is NOT to call me UGM in the environs of Clarence Park.

Or I could just distract him with more junk food and sugar……..Pre match Pizza and Pepsi (and alliteration) it is then.

It is fair to say that TLF is probably not the most obvious God parent material. Our erstwhile programme editor’s reaction certainly suggested that Finn’s parents might be two bacon fries short of a full packet in their selection. And that is probably why I am called the unGod Mother or UGM (pronounced UG-UM) for short. Kinda works.

I suppose it all depends on how you see the role of the godparent. Spiritual guidance and morals? Probably not. Shenanigans, rambling and daftness? Step forward God mummy TLF.

Football is of course a major priority, although sadly I am up against it in relation to choice of teams. You can send a baby all the Lesta baby grows you like but in the constant presence of his Forest supporting father it is never going to end well.

But a bit of St Albans is something we can all agree on and so Finn made his debut with he home game against Concord Rangers. While not afforded quite the civic and beery reception that our visitors from Worms experienced (perhaps for best) he was certainly afforded a lovely Clarence Park reception: greetings from our President, high five with the programme editor, kit kat from Andy and handshakes all round. Plus of course a small visit to the shop. You have to admire the boy, he has focus. That baseball cap might be one size fits all but that’s what he wants, it is adjustable, and, as it turns out, fairly jaunty on a small head.

In the first half we played it safe and headed for the seats, which was a novelty for me. While this did afford me a better view of the anguished arm waving, swearing and gesticulation of the mighty Jimmy Gray I have to say that it isn’t for me. Finn’s assessment of the referee was however heart-warming, “He has made a couple of mistakes this half UGM.” “Don’t call me…oh don’t bother. What mistakes Finn?” “Well he hasn’t sent off anyone from the blue team yet,” That’s my biased boy!

Boosted by half time sugar/alcohol intake it was time for Finn and his parents to step up and join the troops behind the goal. An early flare and loud singing caused a brief wobble but next thing I know we are at the front behind the goal (height issues might have had a part to play in this) and Finn has adopted an advertising hoarding as a percussion instrument to provide a bit of a beat to the chanting. #ProudUGM.

Shoes off if you love the Saints

Shoes off if you love the Saints

My guests were treated to a 2-0 victory and one of the best singing performances from the fans in a few weeks. Non-league football at its best followed up with dinner of burger and chips and an epic table football match or two.

And that people, is the TLF guide to successful god parenting.

Role model fox

Match stats
St Albans City 2 Concord Rangers 0
Attendance 543
Losing family sized purchase raffle tickets: 20
Beverage Consumption: UGM 3 bottles German Pilsner Finn 1 Pepsi, 1 orange juice, 1 coca cola.
Pre and mid match snackage consumption: UGM 1 packet bacon fries Finn 1 mini pizza, 1 kit kat, 1 bag cheese and onion crisps, major share in a tray of Andy’s finest fries

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