What do you do the day after you have walked down the aisle? Obviously you go and see the mighty Saints. Well you do if you are Mr and Mrs Westwood. To be expected really as the lovely Helen (nee Christmas) has been a serious fan for the last 16 years, following a long ago recommendation by Knocky (who else!?) that a pre-season friendly at Clarence Park against Tottenham, then Helen’s football team of choice, was the thing to keep Helen’s visiting German pen friend occupied. I don’t know how much the game did for Anglo-German relations but it certainly diverted Helen from the Spurs to the Saints. While Matt’s first allegiance maybe to a devilish northern team (Dear God I sound like a crossword clue) even he has been unable to resist the charms of St Albans City FC.

The bride and groom, with time to fit in a home game between wedding and honeymoon…..

For the happy couple’s delectation and delight, this week Burnham Wood came to Dunsinane. Well ok they didn’t actually go to the theatre and really Burnham FC came to Clarence Park. (Let me assure you that no Scottish monarchs were harmed in the making of this slightly tortuous attempt to start a Shakespearean metaphor). Unlike the Scottish play the result didn’t quite go Burnham’s way with their players definitely not pulling up any trees (BOOMBOOM!)

Part of St Albans’s success was down to the performance of our new midfielder Peter Wales. There was a brief and quite short-sighted (literally) discussion about whether he was carrying a bit of timber. “No” came the reply, “just a whole nation.”

This high quality wit continued as it was declared officially that another of our recent additions, young Mr Sykes may as well forget his actual first name as he is permanently to be know from now on as Eric-or-Bill. If that wasn’t enough to prove our comedy terrace credentials the opposition’s goalkeeper gave us the perfect inspiration. Obviously by their constant proximity to the home fans the keepe is always going to suffer more than most away team players. BUT oh goodness. I am sorry to say that his excess timber and his VERY ill fitting kit left him looking like either he had been borrowed off the street to play in goal OR he’d borrowed the kit on the way to the game. And what really got me was because of this you couldn’t see his knees. He had NO knees visible to the human eye and after 2 quickly drunk pints of Stella that can worry a fox. I don’t know why but on a warm spring day I expect to see his knees…I don’t expect the shorts to be flapping somewhere mid-shin. It won’t come as a shock for you to learn that I felt duty bound to share these concerns with my fellow terrace occupiers. Ensuring for the rest of the game that the poor keeper had to put up with, “Show us your knees.”… mind you he has probably heard worse.

Match stats:
St Albans 5 Burnham 2
Attendance 616
Raffle tickets purchased 10 Prizes won 0
Losing golden goal tickets purchased 2
Bacon fries consumed 1 packet
Cheese and onion cob 1
Lager consumed 2 pints Stella
Dodgy fruit cider consumed at half time 1 pint…the theory being you see that I promised I wouldn’t have more than two pints of Stella (ahem)

Thing I Learnt This Week
Sometimes Ron doesn’t wear a hat to football.
And hatless suits him….but the first time you EVER seem someone sans chapeau after all those months it does make you do a double take.

Knee(dy) Fox

That cruel Mistress Ms DE Feat, close cousin of the Fat Lady (that sings) made an unwelcome visit to Clarence Park this weekend. There may be those who choose to point the brutal finger of blame at yours truly for this result, tying it in with my deviation from the usual pre-match meal combined with my surfeit of single magpie sightings that morning. Personally however I would argue that it was down to the players having what is sometimes described as a ‘bad day at the office’. Admittedly so far in my career none of my bad days at my office (of which there are plenty) have ever led to me removing my shirt and chucking it on the floor a la Richard Graham, but then again my boss has never substituted me 30 minutes into a meeting….

Whomsoever the fickle digit of blame does end up giving a sharp jab in the ribs to, the result did put a dampener on the usual match day bonhomie. Normally the fog of four Stellas is enough to keep the spirits up but on this occasion the lacklustre-ness (don’t care if that is a word or not. I like it) seemed to seep from pitch to terraces. You know it is bad when the best Davy Mack can muster is, “well at least it’s not raining.” Still for most of us it wasn’t our first visit in several years…unlike Mark a lifelong supporter over from Palestine. Nothing says ‘welcome home’ quite like a 3-1 defeat to a team in the bottom third of the table. I’ll put his insistence on calling the Midlands, ‘the Void’ down to disappointment rather than a lack of cultural and geographic respect.

The happy throng on the terraces

The excitement is just too much for Ron

Meanwhile over in the east of the aforementioned Void, TATTPIB were continuing their seemingly unstoppable march back to the Premiership in my absence. This time last year they were embarking on a disastrous run that meant squeaking into the play-offs via goal difference, but this year with my back turned they are going great guns. So far that has been something I have smiled benignly about, “Yes, HAHA. Isn’t it funny,” I say whenever a ‘friend’ brings up their success and my absence going hand in hand. But a first home league defeat since September for the mighty Saints did make me wince a bit. Not so much in a “Oh I wish I was at Lesta not Clarence Park” kind of a way but more in a ‘thoughtless gits’ kind of a way. I mentioned this upon my return home, unaware of the Mr TLF rant that was about to be unleashed. Fortunately I had a pen and the back of an envelope handy and got it all down, although my Stella handwriting is probably not the most legible, it went roughly like this:

“I spent years watching LCFC ponce about, not unhappily.” (I think he meant he was happy rather than the team or indeed the ‘poncing’ were happy). “I was quite content, thinking to myself that after the years of famine there would be some good stuff. And now the calves are fatted and the crows have come home to roost I don’t get to go and see them because you’re not going. So look at it from my point of view. I’ve got a grievance.”

That’s his problem you know….bottles it all up. Never tells you what’s on his mind

Match stats:
St Albans 1 Truro City 3
Attendance 794
Raffle tickets purchased 10 Prizes won 0. On this occasion am quite grateful. I had the right number but the wrong colour ticket for the £10 Morrisons voucher. I was actually quite relieved. You see this would have been a significant WMD in the ongoing battle of Morrisons (Mr TLF) v Any supermarket but Morrisons (TLF)
Losing golden goal tickets purchased 2
Bacon fries consumed 1 packet
Additional item from ATB 1. A bacon and cheese burger. I know…I shouldn’t have dabbled again with this unlucky item. Once it was the last minute equaliser burger. Now it is the lacklustre home defeat burger.
Lager consumed 4 pints Stella

Thing I Learnt This Week
Wiseness is not a word. When I said it I meant wisdom. Honest

Oxford Dictionary Fox

I think it was Mr R Geldof who once told us he didn’t like Mondays. Well to be honest the fox and the rat were as one on that point this week. Not sure why…I mean I have never been that anti-Monday, in fact I think I was born on a Monday (those who know me, now know that the “Monday’s child being full of grace” thing is officially baloney). It was just this particular Monday had me in a bit of a grump. The obvious source of the grump was the way my day had gone.

As I have never seen the attraction of queuing to get onto a station concourse, nevermind a train, I had a day of working from home, as flooding reduced the good old (I use the term loosely) FCC service into London to a “not-very-often-and-even-then-don’t-be-daft-you’ll-never-get-on-as-it-will-be-packed-by-St Albans” service. Now most people, including Hat Boy, laugh when I describe working from home as a source of grumpiness. And I do appreciate that WFH, does spell to some ‘wangled free holiday’, but to be honest I have a tedious conscience which means I really do eschew (BOOM!) the delights of the sofa and the all day viewing pleasures of Homes under the Hammer and Come Dine with Me for the reading/typing/thinking work thing.

Plus and maybe more importantly, there is no one to talk to ALL DAY, no distractions – worky chat, lunch options in the canteen to consider, quick trip out to Pret etc. Mr TLF maybe around but he has important male tasks to occupy him. So this grumpy sentiment slowly but surely pervades every element of the day, to the point where…..and I kid you not, I start to contemplate skipping the evening home game. I know. But seriously the brain goes down this, “It’s cold, it’s dark, I have got an early start tomorrow, and then an overnight in Cardiff for work. I really just want to sit and sulk, recognising my unimportance to the universe and eating worms” kind of a route.

Fortunately for me, Mr TLF provided the right motivation. Not him looking askance at this development, or him saying, “you’ll enjoy it when you get there.” No, it was more his ability to induce fear by pasta. While as regular followers will know I am a great believer in the power of the PoundLand/World/99p Shop to provide comestible happiness, there are limits. And a 99p frozen lasagne took that limit and showed it maximum disrespect (innit). One glimpse of it and I was off to the match as fast as my little legs would carry me…..in part just to share my incredulity at what I had just witnessed. The ladies behind the bar and ATB (Andy the burger man) were suitably horrified at the dinner decision, and they didn’t even see it.

And of course the magic of Clarence Park quickly reminds me why Mr TLF was right (about going to the game, not his unnerving dinner choice). Like early morning birdsong I am welcomed by that first cry of ‘golden goal’ or in real language, “Please part with some money in the foolish belief that THIS time you will win”. Quickly followed by the banter with people who point out that my usual “it’s a skool night” excuse for low level drinking doesn’t count tonight as it is technically half term, the perfect bacon cob and the first sip of a cold Stella. It’s the little things that make dragging myself out of the house a pleasure. Plus of course if I had missed out on a 1-0 win, an appearance in the programme, a minor telling off from the programme editor, Davie Mack with his TWENTY non winning golden goal tickets (for a goal scored ironically in the 20th minute), voting on man of the match and hearing how offsides are outsourced to Skits I would have really been VERY VERY grumpy, so maybe Mr TLF is not as daft as his dinner choice suggests.

Match stats
St Albans 1 Chippenham 0
Attendance 352
Losing raffle tickets 10
Golden Goal tickets purchased in a pointless fashion 2
Bacon Fries consumed 1 Packet
Additional Bacon Item bought from Andy’s snack van 1 (the eagle eyed stattos amongst you will know technically it is the turn of the bar’s cheese cob BUT there were none)
Lager consumed 2 pints Stella, in a modest, I don’t do half term kind of a way

Thing I Learnt Today
Mr TLF said it wouldn’t rain. Mr TLF has no future in weather forecasting.

Boomtown Fox

I think it is generally accepted that for a species to survive, it needs to apply lessons learned. So choosing to eschew (BOOM!) a leaf from the dinosaurs’ book on ‘how to become extinct’, TLF took her Gene Kellyesque experience of the previous weekend and set out for football, properly kitted out. Waterproof walking boots, serious coat, hat. You get the drift.

Turns out that the other thing that survival might entail is a bit of luck or maybe a sense of timing and TLF was all out of that on Saturday:
13:15 Leave house
13:21 Heavens open and remain open for entire 25 min walk to Clarence Park.

By now we once again have a drowned TLF, and the joy of walking in the rain is that your trousers get soaked front and back – NICE. I did shout at the wind and the rain quite a lot in a Basil Fawlty-styley and got some slightly odd looks from passers-by. Weirdos. Everyone shouts at the weather don’t they?

On the upside when I did get to the ground I did manage to shelter from the hail that replaced the rain as John, kindly let me lurk in the ticket booth (let’s face it, business wasn’t exactly brisk as the hail whacked down). Mind you that shelter presented me with a new survival challenge, as John had a bone to pick with me (always scares me that phrase) which related to the appropriateness or otherwise of me cleaning my fridge when I only moved in “five minutes ago.” I did adapt a defensive approach, but on reflection, do you know I have never cleaned a fridge before….and what is unique about this fridge? Yeah…the first one I have shared with Mr TLF. I’ll say no more.

There was also a small dispute over the use of the word ‘cob’ as opposed to ‘roll’. I guess the survivor does tend to adapt to their surroundings but I’ll be honest, this one is a challenge…it’s asking me to go against my Midlands nature. Easiest way to avoid this debate was to hunt down some Stella and so to the bar, where in the interests of avoiding hypothermia, I attached myself to the large radiator in an attempt to dry out and hooked up to an IV drip of Stella to block out just how soggy and cold I really was. My new survival gear did not go unnoticed as Lee suggested that I did now look like a female Bear Grylls. I did check out Mr BG’s website and if I am going to carry off this ‘look’ then I need to get me some survival products to sell and also set up a ‘Survival Academy.’

On the product side I am thinking waterproof and crush proof cases for bacon fries, and some kind of Stella container that stops the rain diluting your beverage when out on the terraces. The BG Academy offers 24 adult intensive courses and 5 day extreme adult courses, both of which seem to involve a lot of mud, cold weather, climbing, walking miles with all your kit on your back, hunting and gathering and generally having your character built. TLF Survival Academy will involve intensive foraging for suitable snacks, identification of inventive bacon COB fillings and extreme lager consumption, with post consumption tests to see how much of the football you watched you can actually remember. You can buy vouchers for people to go on these courses. The BG ones, not mine. My courses are just made up things in my little lost head (in case you hadn’t spotted that). Presumably these vouchers are gifts for people you don’t like. Maybe we could send one to Monday’s ref? But wait I am getting ahead of myself, let’s finish off the weekend.

I confess the Satday game itself is a bit blurry, but I had definitely dried out by final whistle, knew more about red velvet cake than I did at 3pm and had established that marzipan will never appear on a menu that our programme editor, and chief-leader-astray of TLF is responsible for. Weaved my way home on the back of 4 pints and a 3-0 win to discover a VERY grumpy (and with good reason) Mr TLF. So kept silent, adopted my empathetic face and nodded sympathetically – survival mode or what?

The only person who needed to worry about survival at the Monday game was the ref, who astounded us all with his decisions that left us with 9 men for 60 minutes. Rather than rolling over against play off rivals as a result of this major setback, the team upped their game. As did the fans; pacing the terraces, upping the singing, biting collective nails (eh?), abusing the ref and proving a strong knowledge of current affairs with the chant “you’ve got sewage in your lounge.” I think we do probably empathise on the flooding really but all is fair in love, football and flooding. In the end, gutted to come away with only a draw…but hey we survived.

Match stats
Match One
St Albans 3 Weymouth 0
Attendance 762
Unsuccessful financial investments – usual raffle and golden goal travesties Bacon Fries consumed 1 Packet
Cheese cobs purchased from the bar 2 (I was hungry and cold and they are quite petite)
Lager consumed 4 pints Stella…..I was led astray. Honest

Match Two
St Albans 1 Bideford 1
Attendance 363
Unsuccessful financial investments as per match one – don’t come to me for survival in a recession
Bacon Fries consumed 1 Packet
Additional Bacon Item bought from Andy’s snack van 1 Possibly the best crispy bacon cob EVER (yes Mr TLF I bet you wish you had braved the cold now don’t you)
Lager consumed 2 pints Stella, in a modest ‘it is aMonday night kind of a way’

Thing I Learnt This week?
When you hear a 15 year old supporter complain that, “the ref looks about 12,” you really do know that the world has gone mad.

Far from extinct TLF

I have developed this bad, Satday morning habit. Not bad in a crack cocaine kind of a way. More a ‘slightly naive and you know it will end in trouble but not a stay in the Priory’ type of habit. I’ve taken to basing my weather expectations for the day on the weather experienced during the eight minute round trip to the paper shop to get my weekend paper. And those expectations influence my choice of attire for the terraces (one does like to give some thought to one’s football watching outfit, after all). Living in England this is of course an obvious schoolfox error but not one that management has managed to eliminate thus far.

And so this weekend, with a glorious sunny trip to the newsagents, it was inevitable that lightweight skinny jeans, flimsy baseball boots and no hat or brolly were the order of the day. There was a last minute substitution as my canvas bag was eschewed (boom!) in favour of something purple and as it happens waterproof. I’d like to claim tactical insight on that point, but it would be a fib – it just sits better on the hip.

There was still nothing to worry about when I arrived at Clarence Park…well nothing weather-wise anyway. There were however emerging food loyalty issues to deal with. I’d already risked upsetting the domestic apple cart by refusing Mr TLF’s kind offer of a cooked breakfast, explaining that I was a bit worried that my reduced use of Andy’s snack van was upsetting the pre match routine and having an adverse effect on results (plus to be honest Andy’s food is that bit hotter). No sooner am I chowing down my bacon and onion cob from ATB then John is questioning my loyalty to the Saints bar and its provision of fine cheese and onion cobs. Is there no peace for the digestive system of the fox!? Compromise reached – I’ll alternate the cheese and the bacon (sorry Mr TLF).

Once that trivia was out the way, time for the important stuff. Pre match Stella. This week in the company of two upstanding members of the terraces – the lovely Ron and the programme producer genius that is Lee. We covered a multitude of burning issues including Scottish nationalism, the complexities of non-league play-offs (an education for yours truly), Shakespeare, how much we would like to spectate at a Ray v Davie Mac ‘rant off’ and whether buying a spare bed counts as a domestic chore or not. The guys weren’t giving me that one which seems a little harsh. I spent money on something practical, to furnish the spare room and it meant I got to Clarence Park later than I would have liked…what isn’t screaming ‘chore’ at any right-minded person?

And so to the match. Lovely to welcome another ex-TATTPIB player; Barry Hayles and then say au revoir to him as he got sent off before half time with Saints 2-0 up. Weather wise my outfit was holding up – a bit of a shower but I discovered a hood in my new jacket and with Ron’s assistance managed to get it on my head without garrotting myself.

The second half came and I don’t know if the weather gods had been reading the reviews of the latest King Lear production, but clearly they were thinking, “Anything the National Theatre can do. We can do better.” It started with a few spots of rain, then quite a lot, at which point Davie Mac and Ron, with highland foresight made for cover. As the ‘lot of rain’ turned into a deluge with a side order of hail, most of the remaining fans behind the goal also did the sensible thing. But Lee didn’t. And if Lee didn’t then TLF didn’t. And so like the fool to his King Lear I stayed where I was…along with a handful of other adults who should have known better and a gaggle of teenagers (a species known to be impervious to rain). We bore with stoicism and a lot of giggling all that the elements could throw at us. And to be honest when the first person has confessed the rain has soaked through to their pants, and you notice that the two guys wearing the full jogging suit have made an even worse choice than you in the wet weather gear department then what can you do? Except laugh some more, sing very loudly and relish the bonding experience…although I am not sure I needed to hear about someone’s “soggy, saggy balls.” My favoured waterproof bag was a bonus as its contents remained dry but because it sits so neatly on the hip (like I mentioned) it meant a small reservoir of rain water accumulated just by the right pocket of my jeans just to add to the whole swimming pool experience.

Finally the weather cheered up and as we drip dried, everyone else was back from undercover in time to see the mighty Saints score three goals in the three minutes of extra time. The icing on the rain cake. A bonding and entertaining experience and makes me feel like I earned a small non-league stripe. Plus I think the Satday bad habit is probably cured.

Match stats
St Albans 5 Arlesey Town 0
Attendance 640
Losing golden goal tickets 2
Losing raffle tickets 10
Bacon Fries 1 Packet
Additional snack from ATB 1 Bacon and onion cob
Lager consumed 3 pints Stella
Dispute re definition of ‘chore’ 1
Cases of hypothermia Oooh at least 5

TILT
When you don’t get a job, memories of a soggy 5-0 win, fuelled with Stella, banter and a lot of singing will always make you smile.

Sou wester Fox

Yes I know.

I am not a lost fox but a late fox. Delivering my weekly blog in a slack-24-hours-late-kind-of-a-fashion. But in my defence there is some justification for this writing aberration. I do know what Mr Shankly said about life, death, football blahblahblah but I had a job interview. And the essential preparation (or more like panic) for said interview just shaded it in the ‘demands on my time’ stakes.

Of course there may be some who would observe that if I had invested the time available over the weekend then the blog might not have fallen victim to last minute.fox. But come on….There were mitigating factors to consider:

There were no trains to London on Friday so I could only work a half day and so had to take Mr TLF to a late lunch and had to share a bottle of wine.
Then had to come home and consume another two bottles.
And so had to oversleep on Satday.
And then hotfoot it to Clarence Park, where I had to consume 3.5 pints of Stella to make up for the hideous nightmare that was the J2O experiment.

And to be honest I think that probably listening to Ray’s erudite (and lengthy) rant about ‘pony actors’ and the relative merits of Danny Dyer v David Beckham probably inspired some of the more focused elements of the presentation that I had to do for the interview. It was an epic rant and as the lovely Steve said, if we had gone out to the game, left Ray in the bar and come back at half time, the rant would still be in progress. There was also the issue of David James and his flip flops, but that can wait for another day.

Part of my presentation did involve global markets and I felt better informed after meeting for the first time the Norwegian chapter of the mighty Saints fans. Top gents, who are nice about my blog and also seem to be world champion gatecrashers (weddings, birthdays and for all I know bar mitzvahs). More on those guys in future blogs.

The other key learning point (!) from the weekend came upon my return home, when I had tenderly regaled Mr TLF with an enthusiastic and slightly swaying, “We are the Yellow and Blue Army.” The lesson? If his reaction was anything to go by……DON’T SING in your interview.

So you see – a worthwhile investment of my time in preparation for the big interview.

Did I get the job? Waiting to hear.
Do I want the job? Yeah.
Do I want it more than a win at Clarence Park this weekend? Do you really have to ask?

Match stats
St Albans 1 St Neots Town 1
Attendance 812 (boosted by the club giving out tickets at local schools. They might be little but they can still belt out a slightly squeaky, “Oh when the Saints”. These are the Ultras of the future)
Losing golden goal tickets purchased 5 (I blame the Stella)
Bacon Fries 1 Packet
Additional snacks One cheese and onion cob from the bar and a double decker (I need to focus on the traditional pre match snacks as I worry this change in formation might have had a bearing on the result)
Lager consumed 3.5 pints Stella

TILT
If your other half insists on putting a newspaper down on the table and the floor before you unpack the takeaway curry, they think you are about to be drunk in charge of a fork.

Tardy Fox