As you can probably guess, TLF and Wednesday’s Times Fashion pages are not BFFs. More like passing acquaintances. Passing in the sense that those four pages come between the first interesting bit and then the next interesting bit.

To their credit however the headlines on those pages do from time to time give TLF the biggest laugh of the day as they wrestle with crucial issues such as “What the style set wearing now: They have gone from sitting on the front row to slumming (!) it at home. So how are they dressing?”

A particular high point was this:

Well how I survived lockdown this long without this I do not know

A third wardrobe; who knew? However, having googled the lockdown wardrobe further, it seems that there is much angst to be had regarding the WFH wardrobe and TLF hilarity should be tempered. Ever helpful and wanting to support my fellow home workers in their hour of need here is TLF’s one and only foray into fashion.
Step one

Choose shorts du jour

Sliders or trainers?

Choose your football shirt

Wear all of them

Vogue Fox

Like others, the TLF wee vulpine brain has occasionally struggled with elements of the new government advice regarding the concept of staying alert, rather than staying at home.
Go to work or don’t go to work, that is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of working from home or use public transport?

And why an estate agent is more welcome in my house than my mum TLF is not clear. Although if she wants to pop round with a duster that would be great….

You may also be scratching your head about the whole ‘to face cover or not to face cover’ debate. Even once you have decided what side of that fence you sit on then what’s your face covering look like and what’s it made from? Well don’t you worry. TLF can help with this one. You could say, she’s got it covered (BOOMBOOM!):

Nice one Dom!

As any fule kno it is always important to follow medical advice in these unprecedented times. It was therefore good to see the British Society for Surgery of the Hand (who knew?) get in early with advice for those who had time on their hands (BOOMBOOM!), advising us that we,
“Exercise extra caution when gardening and DIY-ing especially if using power tools.”

TLF is not sure if they were thinking of scissors but after this week’s experience here at TLF Towers I have joined forces with them to issue this additional advice.

If, after drink has been taken, you use these to cut your fingernails

“Too big,” said Goldilocks

Rather than these,

“Just right,” said Goldilocks

You will need these.

“You twit,” said Goldilocks

You are welcome

Sharp Fox

Any self respecting TLF knows that in these unprecedented times, the stiff upper lip required to survive the FFZ, can be maintained by taking up a new hobby, getting around to those little jobs in the house you always meant to do or drinking yourself into an early afternoon coma. Or indeed any combination of the three.

Any self respecting TLF would also be keen to own a pair of ‘Foxy mittens’. And so TLF returned to the front room cupboard where the one time Christmas gift, the ‘Foxy mittens knit kit’ (FMKK), has been languishing for some time.

Thing is, TLFs do have a bit of an issue with knitting. Grannie TLF was a demon knitter. No pattern too complicated, laughing in the face of multiple balls of wool involved in a single jumper and no need to look at the knitting itself at any point. As a young TLF I used to stay with the grandparents on a Saturday night and I am sure for awhile I genuinely thought that the soundtrack to any episode of The Professionals was based on the click-clack of knitting needles.

This knitting talent did not, I am afraid to say rub off on future generations of TLFs. But how hard could this be? It says on the packaging that the FMKK is ‘suitable for beginners’, it is ‘8+ friendly’.

Turns out the packaging is LYING.

Gibberish like ‘cast on’, and ‘a row of knit followed by a row of purl’ seems to bring on a mild panic attack. As for the idea of ‘changing yarn colour by adding the new colour just below the last stitch on the needle’. What does that even mean? And the diagrams with their breezy explanations do not help. I think genetically TLFs were made to wear FMs not build them via FMKKs.

Perhaps once lockdown is over, some close knitting supervision and frequent intervention of someone 8+ will enable TLF to put some wool together without committing random acts of violence or self-harming via a knitting needle. Until then I think that FMKK better go self-isolate.

Drinking not knitting Fox

How to torture a TLF

Let’s face it, we need ALL the advice we can get in these difficult times. So this week TLF advises on how to prioritise those kitchen staples.
WRONG

RIGHT

All the essentials

In another reality I would have been writing about a trip to Forest Green Rovers on Satday to celebrate my Godson’s birthday and attending Chelsea Ladies v Spurs Ladies in the WSL on the Sunday with my football bestie. Football two days on the trot, what a treat! Starting to suspect this is all a Mr TLF plot to keep me away from the footie……

Stay safe

CMF